Swan Songs

The Anglo-Indian Premier League

2011-05-27T03:32:00.005+05:30

Finally India has its own club sport game on an international level…worth talking about. Sure we have had football for scores of years, but I bet you can’t name one foreign player (make that three for Bengalis, Goan and Mallus). And No, Baichung Bhutia and Sunil Chettri are not foreigners.

Anyway I digress. IPL has caught everyones imagination. Anyone can rattle off their favourite team’s combinations as well as dole out dollops of punditry on its fortunes.

Sounds familiar? For any football fan it should. That’s pretty much what every fan of the EPL talks about the whole year long. So I thought I would attempt at drawing parallels between the teams in the IPL and the EPL.

Chennai Super Kings, or CSK, go through the round robin stages without much fanfare but yet, somehow manage to end up at the top of the heap at the end of the season, season after season. And that damn Manchester United does the same thing. Eerily, both teams have a core that is unchanged for quite some time now consisting of one or two stars along with a handful of when-the-bloody-hell-did-he-start-playing-so-well type of players. An ex-CSK player, Fleming, becomes the new coach and maybe the same for United –Giggs or Scholes is your call. And their fans are almost the same – arrogant, boastful, ‘whistle podu’ people who walk around at the end of the season with that I-told-you-we-would-win look.

Ambani is like Abramovich. Well at least both are filthy rich and their names start with A and own we-can-but-we-wont-win teams. Like Chelsea, Mumbai Indians start off the season with a bang and flatter to deceive with startling consistency. Both sides arguably boast teams that have the right-man-for-the-right-job-in-the-right-place – a scenario so perfect that it leaves them also awestruck at times. And then they are the proud owners of the tag of most expansive waste of money ever -- Keiron Pollard and Fernando Torres.

Kolkata Knight Riders are the perfect copy of Arsenal, where the team owner/manager outshines the team consistently through the season – a battle where I think Wenger wins by a nose. Their fans perhaps have the best technical knowledge which is good considering they have to argue their case every year for their eternal problem of why-our-team-messed-up-yet-again-so-close-to-the-finish. While KKR managed to rid themselves of Dada, Arsenal are still weighed down by the dadagiri of Fabregas.

Royal Challengers Bangalore, like Liverpool, is the forever challengers. They have one central player around whom the team keeps changing – Gerrard, also known as Kohli in namma Bangalooru. And then they make the buy of the season … that one player who spins their fortunes around singlehandedly. Yet sadly since the buy was in the middle of the season, it turns out to be too-little-too-late by the ever-smiling Suarez/Gayle. And just as King Kenny keeps inspiring the team, King Kumble does the same in his managerial role.

Rajasthan Royals are like Everton, forever punching above their weight and punching damn hard and true while they are about it. They both wear blue and while Everton don’t have a flamboyant player/coach like Warne, only their fans know what David Moyes has inspired an average team to achieve consistently for almost a decade.

Delhi Daredevils of the season past were one heck of a maverick team boasting some of the stars of world cricket – Sehwag, Warner, Dilshan, DeVillers, Gambhir, McGrath, Vettori – and all came to naught. Manchester City someone? Despite the likes of Boateng, Kompany, Lescott, Silva, de Jong, Toure, Balotelli, they continuously rely through the season on just one man … Tevez. Daredevils anyone? Sehwag is still around now, while the others are gone but in the coming season it may be the reverse for City – the rest of the team will be there, but their talisman may not. The pyrotechnics of one man can run a show for only so long!

Deccan Chargers can never be faulted for a lack of effort. They have a team full of almost-stars or waiting-to-break-out type stars. Each year they strive very hard to be counted among the cream of the league, but they never quite make it. Very reminiscent of Tottenham Hotspurs. Maybe something in the name --- Spurs … Chargers --- both sound like they are destined for a Sisyphus-type future. At times, their games are superb and a Luka Modric or an Amit Mishra lit up matches with consistently excellent performances. Still, after all is said and done…not quite there yet.

Kings XI Punjab and Aston Villa. You know they are teams with potential and yet you never quite expect them to trouble the top teams much. But they seems to be great places where someone hones their talent – Stewart Downing or Paul Valthaty - and then wait to get snapped up by the bigger teams. And they have the one big name move in the season. Interestingly both Adam Gilchrist and Darren Bent are former players of Chargers and Spurs.

Blackburn Rovers … Venky’s … Sahara Pune Warriors … more chicken, less warrior … roasted this season … enough said!

Kochi Tuskers Kerela ... I’m at a loss here. First I thought of matching them up with a sheikh owned team given it’s a Mallu team and all. Then I thought of equating them with a ragamuffin, discards team, but then they gave a damn good account of themselves. I would say they are scrappers who know how to put up a more-than-decent fight and on that account I would liken them to Sunderland. And then you have the foul-mouthed characters like Lee “Sreesanth” Cattermole – one minor difference being that I don’t see anyone getting away with slapping Lee.

Of 10-packs and the after-effects

2009-02-10T01:55:00.002+05:30

A joke I read some time back was: Who left 6-pack Shah Rukh and 8-pack Aamir in the dust?
Ans: A 10-pack Ramadoss.

It's been 4 months since the ban on smoking in public places. So what did the ban achieve? Let’s do a ten count, shall we?

1 – Attached Gandhi’s name to tobacco. So years down the line, a ‘This Day That Year’ column will read – Gandhi born, Smoking banned.

2 – Ensured that the names Anbumani and Ramadoss would die with him. No sane parent of our generation would ever name their kid that. You don’t find little Satans and Hitlers running around, do you?

3 – Caused bars to lose revenue. No, I don’t mean because of a lower footfall, but due to smart alecks who step outside after a few drinks on the pretext of a smoke and then vanish even before the wisp of smoke fades away.

4 – Getting policemen to be lax. Not that they were the epitome of alertness in the first place, but now with the hordes of people haunting the gates of buildings, now they are content to rock themselves to sleep on their paunches.

5 – Vindicated weathermen … or so it seems. Weathermen, famous for getting a prediction on their own spittle wrong, now boldly announce ‘tomorrow there will be a lot of smog’ and then … smoke, fog same thing.

6 – Population control. With smokers chasing pavements, pedestrians naturally avoid the ‘fog’ (weathermen are to be blamed here) and go on the roads. And the cars and trucks happily play target practice.

7 – Made dogs insomniacs. Pavement smoking leads to coffee-cups being dumped on streets and strays happily lap up the remaining drop. A few 20-30 such cups through the day turbo-charges them for the night. And god knows what horrors graveyard shifters are subject to by these werewolves, especially in Bangalore.

8 – Led to the ruination of about 0.1 percent of the Amazon forests. Every pub, bar, office, restaurant, mall, and hitherto smoker-friendly zones has huge “NO SMOKING” signs…about 10 every 2 inches.

9 - Free Cigarette Advertising. It beats me why tobacco companies are banned from advertising. Cigarette packets that were till now sent to dustbins now litter the pavements. The eyeballs that the millions of packets get on the road are much more than even the most famous ad. So no wonder the number of surrogate ads are dying.

10 – Laid to rest the smokers anthem. On the last day before the ban, a popular Bangalore pub announced that that would be the last time they played ‘Sutta Na Mila’ by The Zeest. And just like that a cult song lost its meaning.

Oops! my packet is over. I'm off to get another one.

Satyam Shivam Sumdaram

2009-01-11T06:43:00.001+05:30

That apparently means "Truth is God and God is beautiful"
As of this week, one down, two to go.

Is it really surprising that ‘truth’ has fallen? After all it is only everyday that someone somewhere is cooking up a story to feed you.

Let's start the examples with our beloved politicians - enough said.
The government lies – there is no such thing as tax-free.
Your vegetable vendor lies – yes potatoes are cheaper elsewhere.
Weathermen – I once met one who was caught in the rain.
Horoscopes – else Bejan Daruwala would be heading the Planning Commission.
Advertisements lie – all the axe in the world won’t help some people.
Your boss lies – you deserved that promotion or hike ages ago
The kaamwali bai lies - one person can have that many relatives who keep dying/falling sick.
Your friends lie – they were free last weekend.
You get the picture. Add as you see fit.

We have even invented different sorts of lies to accord various degree of evil. So a white lie is acceptable, a noble lie is something politicians lay claim to, a jocose lie is something I am subjecting you to right now. Key in 'LIE' in Wikipedia if you don’t believe me.

Our language is also suited to fuddle meanings. Sample the conundrum in this sentence in any language you know: "This sentence is false."

Gandhi introduced us to the principles of ahimsa and truth. That was over 60 years ago. It’s time for them to retire and make way for new credos. ‘See no truth, hear no truth, speak no truth’ or simply, make like Lady Justice, tie a blindfold and pretend to ‘see the truth.’

Today there is no vendor of truth in India. Of course, there are no buyers either.
And that my friends, is the Truth.

Satyamev Jayte.

This year some of the things …

2009-01-03T13:38:00.001+05:30

That I will dread are …

My birthday
This year like any other I become a year older clocking in at 27 and the dream of “18 till I die” becomes almost a decade old.

My family
This year, when I holiday at home, the rheotoric of why aren’t you saving more, you are still so thin, why don’t you call, marriage, visiting aunties and uncles etc will make me wish I had planned a shorter holiday.

My job
This year at the time I get my annual hike, phrases like cost cutting, recession, credit crisis will translate into a lousy hike.

My country
This year I know that yet again terrorism, vote-bank politics and financial fiascos will dominate everything else and make me less proud of my country.

My friends
This year I will lose touch with a few more friends as different strings will pull them away from me.

That I look forward to are ….

My birthday
This year like any other I become a year older clocking in at 27 and I am guiltily thankful for that after a year when terrorists visited almost every part of the country.

My family
This year, when I holiday at home, the rheotoric of why aren’t you saving more, you are still so thin, why don’t you call, marriage, visiting aunties and uncles etc will tell me that no matter what, they will always care.

My job
This year at the time I get my annual hike, phrases like cost cutting, recession, credit crisis will translate into lucky to still have a job.

My country
This year I know that despite terrorism, vote-bank politics and financial fiascos the ‘aam aadmis’ voice is growing louder as people rally under the tricolor.

My friends
This year despite losing touch with a few more friends as different strings will pull them away from me, some of them keep in touch via this blog.

Mumbai Meri Jaan

2008-11-29T14:14:00.011+05:30

It took close to 60 hours to wrest Bombay back from terror. But it took barely 5 hours after that to circulate this SMS …

“The tragic events in Mumbai remind us how precious life is. We r with u always. SMS FG to 567678 for Total Insurance Solutions or claims if any. Future Generali”

Is it me or is it actually perverted that people take advantage of a tragedy of this scale to market themselves? In the first place, I find a total lack of professionalism to use SMS lingo in such corporate marketing, ala “We r with u always.”

I’m sure many of you have been bombarded with similar pitches for a virtual garage sale. For all I know, bullet proof vests, guns (machine or otherwise), grenades, will be hawked side-by-side with all sorts of insurances – life, property, hospital, general etc.

Somebody will make a video game; while someone will sell debris from the site online as mementos. Toy companies will make commando figurines and cellphone operators will make a killing from disgusting forwarded messages.

Facebook and Orkut will create patriotic/sympathy groups and bloggers will add their two-pence worth views. Some photographer will peddle his photos, while the media will do just about anything to get their TRPs.

Speaking of the media, it is amazing how they gain access to places where seemingly even the NSG and the marines can’t go. To get their ‘breaking news,’ they will broadcast any rumor that is doing the rounds. For a soundbite, they will shove their mikes into the faces of anyone who looks remotely, pardon the expression, terrorized.

And how can I forget … I am waiting for the beloved leaders of our country to shamelessly bellow their take on the horror. One party will fall all over itself blaming the other, while one will cry itself hoarse that this is a time for national unity.

National unity my a**. Those goddamn terrorists are more united than us, more fearless than us, more devoted to a cause than us. I give them that much.

Let’s take a leaf out of their book and learn from them the values of honesty, loyalty and sacrifice and use it for a better reason.

Saar Credit Card Saar

2008-11-05T18:14:00.002+05:30

Some of the smartest answers I have seen people dealing with unsolicited calls for ‘sir free credit card sir,’ ‘sir, personal loan sir,’ ‘exclusive offer for only you sir,’ and other such calls:

Phone rings. Sir, xxx bank is offering personal loan upto xxx on unbelievable terms. Ok I am interested. Can you give me the details. Yada yada yada yada. Fine I also want to know about payments. Blah blah blah blah. Ok, ill take it. Smart choice sir, if you will help me with a few details, what is your name and where do you work? Oh, I thought you knew. I am unemployed and that is why I needed the loan. That person to date has not got a call from the bank again.

Phone rings. Female voice offers life-time free credit card with lowest interest rate in market, friendliest repayment options, exclusive discounts/offers on using the card. Great, that is exactly what I need. Thank you sir, if you can give me some personal details. Actually this is my office phone and I cant use it long, so can you come over to my place tonight at about 9 pm to complete the affair? No further calls.

Phone rings. Sir, I have a exclusive offer for limited period on a car/house/personal loan and if you take it now you will benefit by yada yada blah blah . Really, what luck I needed a loan desperately and which bank are you calling from? Sir, from xxx bank. You should have told me earlier, the state general manager is a chaddi buddy of mine yaar and how come he never told me about this, I’ll call and ask … hello? Hello?

Phone rings. Sir, we have an offer for a lifetime free…. Excuse me, but which bank are you calling from? Oh sorry sir, I am calling from xxx bank. Oh ok, and what did you say your name was? Sir, this is xxx. Ok, xxx thanks for the details and you and your bank can expect a call from TRAI authorities soon for an explanation on why you called me when my number is on the do-not-disturb list.

Till date, no further calls...

Oh My Gawd!!

2008-10-31T20:04:00.003+05:30

I am not very religiously inclined but even if I was I would be hard pressed to choose one which allowed me to practice my faith without fear of some sort of harm to my personal self. Let’s do a run down of some of the major ones …

Let’s start with my ‘birth religion’ as it were – Christianity. I go to a church and keep a nervous eye on the door for a bunch of ‘pro-my, anti-your religion’ hoodlums to come in and trash the place.

As for Hinduism – the very basic fear is that I go a place of worship and immediately have a claustrophobia attack and if not that, then someone with a claustrophobia attack will trigger a stampede that will bury instead of cremate me.

If I were a Muslim, I would be in constant fear of life and limb for reasons that need not be enunciated here. For all I know, one day I will be in a mosque imploring the blessings of Allah and the next thing I know is that a bomb has sent me to him.

The worst fate of all reserved for the religion I practise now. When I proclaim my religious inclination to member of a different faith, I get a ‘what the hell is wrong with you’ quizzical stare or a ‘poor chap will go to hell’ pitiful stare or a ‘better change your view or else’ dirty stare.

My religion is popularly called Atheism but one that I like to call Humanity – something that nobody practices. Well so far, so good …

If I could Wish Upon A Star

2008-08-03T15:52:00.003+05:30

One for sorrow, two for joy, three for letter, four for toy. Every one of us has recited this rhyme at some time or the other in our life when we have happened to spy a mynah in one of these combinations. That, for me, is innocence at its peak. Much has been said about “innocence lost.” And much of that much is true.

A comic I was reading today reminded me of one of my absolute favouritest instance in my life – no surprise it was when I was a tiny-tot. I was with my aunt on her terrace at dusk. And the first star had just started winking at the earth. My aunt turned to me and asked, “do you know the star rhyme wish?” “No,” I said. She replied, “repeat after me...” So I closed my eyes tight and wished loudly with all my heart, “Start bright star light, first start I see tonight, I wish I get ...” And to my immense surprise, I got my ‘wish’ a few days later on my birthday.

Till today I make a wish if I happen to see the first star – though with no hope of it coming true. That is where the catch is. My aunt told me that evening that whatever I should want whatever I asked for with all my heart or else it won’t come true. No wonder then I still see terror attacks, poverty and a bank account that is sans a billion million rupees.

What would it take so that the next time we wish on that last sip of cold drink or a fallen eyelash or the first star, there is some hope of it coming true?

By the way, that night years ago, I had wished for a Street Hawk.

Tring Tring

2008-07-15T21:54:00.002+05:30

The buzzword or buzz phrase for some time now has been the rising price of oil, which one of my friends eloquently put in context saying, “Sala, Pamela ko dekh kar itna nahi utha hoga.” But has the price risen so high that it has hit even the price of your innocence?

I am not that old to forget that once upon a time when I was six my folks decided I should graduate from ‘garah number bus’ and I came to possess my first set of wheels – a spanking new hand-me-down Avon cycle.

That was what I rode around town on, had my first accident on, what I rode to the market to buy my first set of trump cards. That was what acted as one of the goalposts in our para football matches. That was my escape route whenever my mom found some reason to flex her vocal or arm muscles.

The best part was the maintenance. Even with pocket money of about “when you need money, ask and if the reason is satisfactory, ill give you,” I could maintain the bike. At the most, it required getting a spoke on the wheel when an over-exuberant ‘Pele-ka auald’ slammed the ball into the bike. Even then, if your mom was a good negotiator, the ‘Pele’ of afore-mentioned ‘Pele-ka auald’ would pay for it.

I could just ride around town for hours aimlessly and when I felt like it, race everything from a cat to an auto. Heck, it even could double up as Street Hawk if I so wished.

And now … Anti-cycling complaints range from “It’s too hot” to “It’s too far” with my personal favorite being, “I’ve forgotten!!”

As far as I know, there is no more environment-friendly mode of travel than a cycle. They’re cheap, don’t pollute the air, and provide more miles per calorie of energy than any other mode of getting around known to mankind.

Everybody’s wondering what they’re gonna do
Everything’s a mess and folks are feeling blue
If your troubles get you down so much you can’t abide
Get on that bicycle and ride
Yeah, get on that bicycle and ride
‘Neath the sunny skies or along the oceanside
Just ride, ride, ride, ride, ride

You've Got Spam

2008-06-18T16:46:00.003+05:30

I find it simply amazing how much my spam account knows about me – and I’m not talking trivia here. It’s personal stuff – bed room stuff even. It almost seems like I’m the most well-known, or rather most well-known-about person in cyberspace judging from the mails I get.

It started with a suggestively named female blondebitchsuck telling me that I owe her lunch “for this one.” I confess it piqued my curiosity and I wanted to know what I owe her lunch for then realized it was pretty obvious.

Then I got a mail from Rodriquez. I was tempted to open this one since my family on my mother’s side is named Rodrigues. I thought perhaps someone misspelled their name. And it seemed innocuous enough since it said “All w.e. can do is report_t he_findings.” I thought it must be some old forgotten relative who was talking about some ancestral property with me standing to gain a fortune.

The next mail cleared all doubts about the findings.

“what a stupid face you have here sa5ioh,” Des ganpath announced. That was one finding that was not needed to be made known – true or not.

Then along came a mail from Melany that cheered me up. “These girlies are waiting for you,” she declared. I had no clue which girlies but since my ‘stupid face’ was pretty well publicized by now, any girlie who was waiting for me was fine by me. I was not going to be picky. On top of that “Are you an Alpha Male?” Trimmel challenged.

Hell Yeah! Bring it on I said.

Then came the caveat – I found out that a stupid face was the least of my problems. There existed a serious chance that my lineage would end with me; that I would be the last of my kin; that my family tree was going to be uprooted because of my stump.

Luckily I was not the only one concerned. A lot of concern was floating around in cyberspace also. I got a lot of mails sympathizing with me and advising me what to do.

sm wrote, “I hope this will help you solve all problems with health!”
Levitar Vaigra helpfully said, “sa5ioh’s – we can ship your medication overnight FREE.”
“3 month supply of better intimate life is waiting for you” said Benedettasei sounding more hopeful than I felt. But that cheered me up.

The best mail was from holzmeister who solemnly promised, “You wont disappoint ehr this night.”

No further questions – that was the mail I was searching for.

Short & Sweet?

2008-06-05T20:32:00.002+05:30

Six degrees of separation. Or was it seven? Anyway a smaller world … with a shorter temper … and a whole new short form lingo. This blog was prompted by a friend who had a funny experience. He works for HP and was talking to a prospective landlord:

Landlord: Where do you work?
My friend: HP
Landlord: Oh nice, my son works there.
My friend: (In the hope of a discount on the deposit) Really? I just joined.
Landlord: Good good. Hope you people can do something about petrol prices.
My friend: Umm … Hmm … (Trying very hard to make the link)
Landlord: Where did you get your degree?
My friend: Blah Blah Institute of Technolgy.
Landlord: What do they teach you about oil there?
My friend: (thinking the house might not be worth it) Nothing.
Landlord: Then how did you get into HP.
My friend: (Blink Blink) I work for Hewlett Packard, not Hindustan Petroleum.

The point is that acronyms have become part of standard conversation and their usage has been boosted by SMS lingo – BRB, TTYL, BFN and other such short-forms that are harder to crack than hieroglyphics.

Names of companies: Understandably, Johnson & Johnson is JNJ and Bharat Heavy Electricals is BHEL, but Infosys to Infy?

Names of people: Leaves me wondering why parents bother with names at all when I hear the likes of SRK, JLo, Bebo, Chi Chi and K-Fed to name a few.

But when I hear objects being abbreviated, I lose all hope for the language - CalC, Ciggy, Undie, Mobike.

Do people not have time to finish a word, leave alone a sentence?
Maybe you don’t have time to finish reading this post.
Maybe it is all a bunch of BS anyway.

KhudaHafiz

2008-05-12T23:27:00.003+05:30

He slotted just one
Krrrr
Thought of his starving family
Click
Thought of the money lost in gambling
Click
Thought of the loans he had taken and could no longer repay
Click
Thought of the stinging barbs he had to endure from people of all religions
Click
Though of the financial freedom guaranteed for his family if he accepted a suicide mission
Click
Wept at his choice to desert his religion and his own family rather than destroy others families
Blam

Into The Wild - Conversation

2008-04-22T03:21:00.003+05:30

Excerpts from a SMS conversation. The topic came about while I was talking about a book, also made into a movie, called Into The Wild based on the life of this one guy who went off into the Alaska heeding the call of the wild believing that was where he would find true peace and connect with the primitive and wild side of life.

Person: I never like the way the book or the movie felt… makes me think, and not very positively either.
Me: To live and exist w/o thinking and question is boring. You have to experience it-how you do it of course is up to you.
Person: I guess… ironic we question the conventions we made. Sometimes I feel it’s about control.
Me: Rules, conventions are for the greater good of mankind not individuals. I think it’s more about breaking out of being controlled, rather than controlling oneself.
Person: And I don’t know if there can be anything such as living primitive anymore. The advancing generations have lost tolerance both physically and mentally and have lost wisdom.
Me: I agree. We strove and sought comfort too much to be able to give it up now. That won’t stop some radicals from trying though. Man is inherently pig-headed :)
Person: I think the meaning of purity of life has changed and that all is was can now only be studied by literature.
Me: What do you mean purity of life?
Person: Life in its natural form. No or minimal manipulations.
Me: Hmmm. Won’t ever know what that will be like. What it means, what it feels. Just the ideal will stick around in thoughts.
Person: I know a lot has been explored in prose and verse. But then again I could credit it to creativity…
Me: Last two big occasions of creativity were different positions to have sex in and different types of weapons…extremes…create, and then destroy.
Person: :) Vital to the world now!! But there is also Byron, Dickenson, Tolstoy.
Me: No more different than any one of us. Just that they could articulate their thoughts clearly.
Person: Not the point of contention really. It’s just that there has been expression towards a natural form of life…and so forth.
Me: That’s true. They tried their best to show us alternatives.
Person: And also think. But you can award that to creativity which draws from the natural…sometimes it’s a clear case of mistaken identity…the truth is as plain as now we try to add some colour.

Don't ... Just Don't

2008-04-08T03:17:00.004+05:30

When was the last time that you were admonished for misbehavior? If you rack your brain hard enough (or not, depending on your Calvin proficiency), chances are that most likely you were told “DO NOT …” It is always “DONT DO THIS” or “DONT DO THAT.” The point being that good and positive behavior is taught in a negative vein or what not to do instead of what to do.

From the days that you were a kid, you mom, or a similar representative authority, would scold and in some cases bash the living daylights out of you for your mischief. Chances are the verbal thrashings would likely include a list of what you should have not done.
Over the years most teachings about leading a good moral life has been imparted by telling you what is taboo rather than what isn’t. Take one of the most famous set of religious code of ethics – The 10 Commandments. 8 of then begin with the dire warning - “Thou Shalt Not ...”

Take the basic Gandhian principle – ahimsa. What is ahimsa? NON-Violence! It is never described as peace or passive resistance or anything of that sort. It tells you what it is not.

Go out on the road and a million signs will stare you in the face - Do Not Blow Horn, Do Not Spit, Do Not Pass Urine, Do Not Stick Bills, No Parking, No U-Turn, Do Not Throw Garbage, ... ... ... do not breath till your very life depends on it …

In the end, all these negative instructions begs the question – are all human beings born with vices which need to be cured in the one lifetime that they have?

ThankYou Going Forwrad ..

2008-01-06T16:15:00.002+05:30

At the start of the year, i want to take the time to thank all my friends and other people who have forwarded numerous chain letters to me this year. i appreciate all your kindness and concern and will now take a moment to ponder on the profound effect it has had on my life ...

i stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

i have a very low self-esteem after taking all those psychology, intelligence and love tests only to know that i am a raving lunatic with an IQ no better than a baboon with no chance in hell of any romance.

i smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

Speaking of cancer, i have stopped using medication altogether since it was brought to my attention that that dangerous drugs like D cold, Action 500 and other unpronounceable drugs that have been banned globally yet are freely available in India.

i also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then i get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda , Singapore and Tokyo.

i also stopped drinking water outside for fear that i will get sick from the rat shit and urine.

When i go to parties, i don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

i also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl who was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. The poor girl has been 7 years old since 1993 and apparently has had enough money to undergo many plastic surgeries to change her appearance.

My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland inspite of following all instruction to the letter.

Unfortunately, Orkut is not in the least bothered to delete my account inspite of me ignoring the millions of warnings saying "Orkut is deleting accounts: Due to sudden rush..."

i made some hundred wishes before forwarding those Dalai Lama, GaneshVandana, Tirupathi Balaji pics etc..Now most of those "Wishes" are already married (to someone else)!

NOTE: If you do not comment on this post and get at least 13 people also to do so in the next 10 seconds, a bird will shit on your head today at 10:30 p .m.!!

So Close, No Matter How Far

2007-08-21T23:36:00.001+05:30

We live in the so called “jet age.” Here a place is a plane ticket away, any object we desire is just a card swipe away; people are just a push of a button away. It seems money has demolished physical distances and built up emotional ones.

The more the means of means to communicate have multiplied, the more the reasons to communicate have gone, or seem less important. The blame for being out of touch has shifted from the mail-man to the service providers – Hutch, Airtel and whatnot.

Remember those days (or at least as you saw in the old black and white films) where a mailman’s visit was as awaited as Santa Claus.

Just a few years ago, in school perhaps, we used to use the landlines to call up friends with whom we, possibly, had just spent the whole day with. There was always some reason – a new titbit to give, gossip to catch up on etc.

In college, it was e-mail and Yahoo and MSN. And we sent cards, letters, and small useless mails just to keep in touch. Wasn’t that the sign-offline most of you used – “Keep in touch…” The landlines had taken a back seat.

Then, of course, communication came to our pockets in the form of cell phones – the world was never any smaller. And the mails and insta-messaging became more of a pastime.

And now, the online communities spread like wildfire burning up our need for the landline, the mails, the IMs, and sometimes even the cell phone. Our world is Orkut.

When we have all the simple ways and means to stay in touch, how much do we actually bother? We always find reasons not to get in touch with someone. Sure we have them on our contacts, have added them as friends, put them in our address books and all over the place, but more often than not they are just a measure of your popularity.

There seem to be a lack very pressing enough reason to talk to friends. When was the last time you called your best bud from college? Those titbits and bits of gossip are not important enough anymore. Are they?

Dear Me In The Future

2007-08-10T01:29:00.001+05:30

Dear me in the future,

How are you? How is it there? I don't quite know when you will get this letter. But i hope that the journey to wherever you are now was good. Kind of gets me starting to think of all the sights and sounds that you must have seen. On this final August night, i cant help but think of all the things i want to do, places i want to go, things i want to achieve before i get this letter.

Did you do all of that? i don't think so. After all what did i want to do except live my life carefree and happy? And as for places to go - i always wanted to be there for whenever my friends or family needed me. And the one thing i want more than anything else is just my peace of mind.

And if you have one iota of common sense, you would not have wasted time doing all these things. i know you would have a fabulous job, great house in the city, a car even maybe by now - that should have satisfied me. You would have travelled to tons of places, seen the world - that should satisfy my wanderlust. All the have money and respect you have earned by now should give me my peace of mind.

For all of what you might have, in a world where nothing ever stays the same you are probably left with the only thing that you cannot change - your past. Me!

Sorry if i disappointed you in any way. i don't know how you have lived your life till whenever you are, but as i now read the letter to me from my past, i cant stop the tears as i see the simple things that i had once wanted. Somewhere down the line i went astray. i still don't have that awesome collection of comics, haven't visited the people i love most in this world -my grandparents- in years and worst of all, again have not kept my promise that i wouldn't ever have to write a letter to warn me against who i have become. And now its too late.

Anyway, future me, all i can do is wish i never write this letter again.
Stay well,
Me

An Affair to Remember

2007-07-12T01:07:00.001+05:30

i have an affair ... its secret ... but never mind, she knows and i know and that is all that matters.
she is blind ... but never mind, she speaks and sings most exquisitely in so many different tones .
she has expensive tates ... but never mind, the sweet nothings she whispers in my ear are worth it.
she insists on coming eveywhere with me ... but never mind, that increases the intimacy.
she's not from India ... but never mind, love is blind to colors and cultures.
she disturbs me in the night ... but never mind, that's the best part.
she has so much in her ... but never mind, i just love exploring.
she has so many buttons ... but never mind, that only makes things easy.
she keeps my hands busy ... but never mind, i just love doing that.

ThoughtCrime

2007-06-21T01:39:00.001+05:30

He was locked up deep in a cellar and the key was thrown away.
He had screamed and shouted his innocence in court. No-one listened. He was being punished for a crime he never committed. Sure, he had thought about it. But he never acted on it.
In my books, that is the crime. But that was not why he was punished.
It was close to seven years now. For seven years, he was locked up in that dark and dingy cell. He saw others come and go. They never stayed long. Most were released on parole. The luckier ones were set free on bail and almost never turned up again.
"Who gave one man the right to be my judge, jury and executioner?" His prison echoed with his plaintiff cries.
He scratched and clawed on the walls, desperate to somehow leave his mark in this world. He wanted others to read his story, to know his plight. He did not want to die an anonymity.If he had a second chance ... what would he do? ... what could he do? His life flashed before his eyes so often. It was a story of chances thrown. He realised that nothings free, and certainly not freedom. He longed for what used to be ... For seven years he stared beyond his prison without seeing anything. In his minds eye, he saw the world changing, evolving, moving without him. Everything had changed. He would not. He could not accept a compromise. In the end, he decided to stay locked up.
So, one day, he lay down and got up no more. While the world dreamed on ...

In The End ...

2007-06-19T13:32:00.001+05:30

The whispers of the night catch my imagination
They talk to me, they taunt me, mock me
They know me, who i am
My shadow is bound to me
As i am bound to this world
Fragile thoughts resound in my head
Crashing…searching for a release
Breaking and flowing down my cheeks
In the darkness i live
In my solitude i grow
i can be alone, yet not lonely
And lonely and yet not alone
In the end you are my solitude
In the end you are my loneliness
In the end, its you…

I Walk Alone

2007-06-14T05:32:00.001+05:30

At sundown i lie with a broken heart
Same old shadows stretch across the street
Same old memories back to haunt me
As between silence and space i linger.

It falls all around me ... silence ...
The calmness deafening in my head
Darkness spreads its fingers
Into every corner of my soul.

Nights offer comfort, sleep solace
On the wings of a dream i fly
With the saddest thoughts to guide my way
But come the morn, i'll walk alone.

The serenity of dreams is shattered
By the silent screams of the heart
And each hope is killed
By the sure, swift blows of fate

Every night i tell myself
This loneliness cant last much more
Darkness will soon turn to light
All i have is a lifetime to go ....

When Dreams Die ...

2006-05-18T03:41:00.001+05:30

Everyone just stood there looking on as one by agonising one the nails were rammed into the coffin with silent empathy - sealing within it the fate of its occupant. With slow and deliberate precision the hammer rained blow upon blow on the defenseless nail driving in the reality that there was no looking back.

Twenty-four nails in all were used. Twenty-four!! The last four stubbornly refusing to go in. The ferocity of the strikes increased twisting, disfiguring and forcing submission.

It lay there dying in the sun smiling at the faces that looked down on it and wishing that the tears that fell on it had come sooner…about four or so nails ago. Now the tears just watered the soil making it easier to dig…helping the process along.

The hole was ready.

After twenty-four years, this last journey of six feet didn’t seem so far down. It did not matter. These six feet was the culmination of a lifetime. Unhappiness was when it was six feet higher. But now it doesn’t give a damn.

Their faces now blotted out the sun. It lay there hoping the sun beats down on them skinning them alive just as it was stripped bare of everything it had held dear…robbed of its life…robbed of its breath.

It liked it there. The soil cradling it in its bosom as it nursed a broken dream, the sky draped as a blanket keeping out the harsh reality, a box cocooning it in everlasting privacy.

The mud was thrown it…reverently, ceremoniously covering it. Twenty-four nails and six feet later, here it was now … finally alone ... finally at peace.

They stuck the tombstone in. A grey stone encompassing in five lines its whole life just as a six by two box did six feet lower. It was down to one last breath. A flower is thrown on the patted down mud, its fragrance trailing away. Six feet lower it ...

My Best Friend

2006-02-04T01:19:00.001+05:30

He has been my best friend for ages now. Someone I have grown up with…an inseparable part of my life…someone who will be with me quite literally as long as I live. He is the only one who has been with me through the good times and the bad, through the high points and when I got high.

He is the only one who knows me (though I leave him out in the darker parts of my life). He is always there when I need him though sometimes he seems light years away. He helps me see the sunshine in my life. Sometimes he leads the way, sometimes he follows in my footsteps.

When everything seems bloody hopeless and screwed up, he is there to show me that there is a small beacon of hope lit up at the end of this god-forsaken tunnel of life.

We never much felt the need for words, so we hardly ever talk. We don’t need to. Everything between us is black and white. We are bound to each other by mutual need, each giving the other our identity. He is my silent lucidity.

We are so inseperable that sometimes it gets tough to say who is who's shadow ...

WTF?

2006-01-28T00:32:00.001+05:30

.Sdrawrof ton, sdrawkcab ti daer dna redluohs ruoy revo ecnalg ot evah uoy semitemos, efil dnatsrednu ot .Efil ot gninaem evig ro efil fo gninaem eht dnif ot yrt yeht os dna .Dootsrednu eb nac hcihw gnihtemos naht elbatpecca erom si dootsrednu eb tonnac hcihw gnihtemos dna .Ecnelis ni pu depparw yretsym a si ti .Fo liat ro daeh edam eb tonnac efil taht tcaf eht morf devired si trofmoc fi sa tsomla sti .Ylisae os yawa denialpxe eb tonnac ti .Detpecca reven si suoivbo eht ?Efil fo sgninaem neddih fo reyal nopu reyal eht ot noitulos a dnif dna yretsym eht levarnu nac yeht mialc enoyna erad woh .desilanoitar si efil fo gninaem eht fi lufnis neve larutannu si ti .esnes on sekam yticilpmis sti ni efil

A Date with Death

2005-12-29T00:14:00.001+05:30

Have you ever chickened out of a date? I have--plenty of times. She was beautiful and very attractive. And she even kind of liked me!! But, my mom and dad never approved of her. My doctor kept trying to “save” me from her. My priest used to string endless number of rosaries to keep her at bay. Hell! Even my insurance agent talked about her.

She was damn infamous, though she did do a lot of volunteer work in hospitals and emergency rescue teams. She said she wanted to ease their pain and suffering if nothing else.

The first time I asked her out was after my class 10 results. I did so bloody badly! And I knew only she would understand how hard I’d tried. She wouldn’t look at me accusingly like my parents or mockingly like my friends. But after asking her out, I got cold feet and cancelled.

The next time was when the ‘love of my life’ decided that ‘love of her life’ was better than me. I wanted to head straight for her comforting arms and bawl my misery out. Only my ego kept me from meeting her that day. Me cry in front of someone? Never !!

There were lots of other dates…made and cancelled for some reason or the next.
That doesn’t mean that I did not spend time with her. She and I have had our rendezvous’ at the graveyard which was both of our favourite haunts. I found the place very peaceful while she loved to look at the tombstone and imagine what the owner must have looked like.

Those were just meetings though; not what one would call a date. We have been friends for years now but I never had the courage to ask her out on a date. I never did muster enough guts to ask her out. She knew how I felt about her. How could she not? And she was right. I would die to go out with her.

Someday I will go on that date…and be In Her Arms.

In Her Arms

2005-12-06T04:32:00.002+05:30

living is no fun anymore
She is the purpose of life
with Her I can live forever
lifes a dream and in Her arms
all my dreams will end.

there are many who lust for Her
i need Her more than them
all the nights spent dreaming about Her
will seem like fleeting seconds
once I am in Her arms

She beckons me silently
waiting with open arms
and promises unspoken
all the rolling river of tears
will freeze at Her icy touch.

in Her eyes I see eternity
Her touch will give me wings
She will give me serenity
and I would give up anything
to sleep in Her arms tonight.