A joke I read some time back was: Who left 6-pack Shah Rukh and 8-pack Aamir in the dust?
Ans: A 10-pack Ramadoss.
It's been 4 months since the ban on smoking in public places. So what did the ban achieve? Let’s do a ten count, shall we?
1 – Attached Gandhi’s name to tobacco. So years down the line, a ‘This Day That Year’ column will read – Gandhi born, Smoking banned.
2 – Ensured that the names Anbumani and Ramadoss would die with him. No sane parent of our generation would ever name their kid that. You don’t find little Satans and Hitlers running around, do you?
3 – Caused bars to lose revenue. No, I don’t mean because of a lower footfall, but due to smart alecks who step outside after a few drinks on the pretext of a smoke and then vanish even before the wisp of smoke fades away.
4 – Getting policemen to be lax. Not that they were the epitome of alertness in the first place, but now with the hordes of people haunting the gates of buildings, now they are content to rock themselves to sleep on their paunches.
5 – Vindicated weathermen … or so it seems. Weathermen, famous for getting a prediction on their own spittle wrong, now boldly announce ‘tomorrow there will be a lot of smog’ and then … smoke, fog same thing.
6 – Population control. With smokers chasing pavements, pedestrians naturally avoid the ‘fog’ (weathermen are to be blamed here) and go on the roads. And the cars and trucks happily play target practice.
7 – Made dogs insomniacs. Pavement smoking leads to coffee-cups being dumped on streets and strays happily lap up the remaining drop. A few 20-30 such cups through the day turbo-charges them for the night. And god knows what horrors graveyard shifters are subject to by these werewolves, especially in Bangalore.
8 – Led to the ruination of about 0.1 percent of the Amazon forests. Every pub, bar, office, restaurant, mall, and hitherto smoker-friendly zones has huge “NO SMOKING” signs…about 10 every 2 inches.
9 - Free Cigarette Advertising. It beats me why tobacco companies are banned from advertising. Cigarette packets that were till now sent to dustbins now litter the pavements. The eyeballs that the millions of packets get on the road are much more than even the most famous ad. So no wonder the number of surrogate ads are dying.
10 – Laid to rest the smokers anthem. On the last day before the ban, a popular Bangalore pub announced that that would be the last time they played ‘Sutta Na Mila’ by The Zeest. And just like that a cult song lost its meaning.
Oops! my packet is over. I'm off to get another one.
Satyam Shivam Sumdaram
That apparently means "Truth is God and God is beautiful"
As of this week, one down, two to go.
Is it really surprising that ‘truth’ has fallen? After all it is only everyday that someone somewhere is cooking up a story to feed you.
Let's start the examples with our beloved politicians - enough said.
The government lies – there is no such thing as tax-free.
Your vegetable vendor lies – yes potatoes are cheaper elsewhere.
Weathermen – I once met one who was caught in the rain.
Horoscopes – else Bejan Daruwala would be heading the Planning Commission.
Advertisements lie – all the axe in the world won’t help some people.
Your boss lies – you deserved that promotion or hike ages ago
The kaamwali bai lies - one person can have that many relatives who keep dying/falling sick.
Your friends lie – they were free last weekend.
You get the picture. Add as you see fit.
We have even invented different sorts of lies to accord various degree of evil. So a white lie is acceptable, a noble lie is something politicians lay claim to, a jocose lie is something I am subjecting you to right now. Key in 'LIE' in Wikipedia if you don’t believe me.
Our language is also suited to fuddle meanings. Sample the conundrum in this sentence in any language you know: "This sentence is false."
Gandhi introduced us to the principles of ahimsa and truth. That was over 60 years ago. It’s time for them to retire and make way for new credos. ‘See no truth, hear no truth, speak no truth’ or simply, make like Lady Justice, tie a blindfold and pretend to ‘see the truth.’
Today there is no vendor of truth in India. Of course, there are no buyers either.
And that my friends, is the Truth.
Satyamev Jayte.
As of this week, one down, two to go.
Is it really surprising that ‘truth’ has fallen? After all it is only everyday that someone somewhere is cooking up a story to feed you.
Let's start the examples with our beloved politicians - enough said.
The government lies – there is no such thing as tax-free.
Your vegetable vendor lies – yes potatoes are cheaper elsewhere.
Weathermen – I once met one who was caught in the rain.
Horoscopes – else Bejan Daruwala would be heading the Planning Commission.
Advertisements lie – all the axe in the world won’t help some people.
Your boss lies – you deserved that promotion or hike ages ago
The kaamwali bai lies - one person can have that many relatives who keep dying/falling sick.
Your friends lie – they were free last weekend.
You get the picture. Add as you see fit.
We have even invented different sorts of lies to accord various degree of evil. So a white lie is acceptable, a noble lie is something politicians lay claim to, a jocose lie is something I am subjecting you to right now. Key in 'LIE' in Wikipedia if you don’t believe me.
Our language is also suited to fuddle meanings. Sample the conundrum in this sentence in any language you know: "This sentence is false."
Gandhi introduced us to the principles of ahimsa and truth. That was over 60 years ago. It’s time for them to retire and make way for new credos. ‘See no truth, hear no truth, speak no truth’ or simply, make like Lady Justice, tie a blindfold and pretend to ‘see the truth.’
Today there is no vendor of truth in India. Of course, there are no buyers either.
And that my friends, is the Truth.
Satyamev Jayte.
This year some of the things …
That I will dread are …
My birthday
This year like any other I become a year older clocking in at 27 and the dream of “18 till I die” becomes almost a decade old.
My family
This year, when I holiday at home, the rheotoric of why aren’t you saving more, you are still so thin, why don’t you call, marriage, visiting aunties and uncles etc will make me wish I had planned a shorter holiday.
My job
This year at the time I get my annual hike, phrases like cost cutting, recession, credit crisis will translate into a lousy hike.
My country
This year I know that yet again terrorism, vote-bank politics and financial fiascos will dominate everything else and make me less proud of my country.
My friends
This year I will lose touch with a few more friends as different strings will pull them away from me.
That I look forward to are ….
My birthday
This year like any other I become a year older clocking in at 27 and I am guiltily thankful for that after a year when terrorists visited almost every part of the country.
My family
This year, when I holiday at home, the rheotoric of why aren’t you saving more, you are still so thin, why don’t you call, marriage, visiting aunties and uncles etc will tell me that no matter what, they will always care.
My job
This year at the time I get my annual hike, phrases like cost cutting, recession, credit crisis will translate into lucky to still have a job.
My country
This year I know that despite terrorism, vote-bank politics and financial fiascos the ‘aam aadmis’ voice is growing louder as people rally under the tricolor.
My friends
This year despite losing touch with a few more friends as different strings will pull them away from me, some of them keep in touch via this blog.
My birthday
This year like any other I become a year older clocking in at 27 and the dream of “18 till I die” becomes almost a decade old.
My family
This year, when I holiday at home, the rheotoric of why aren’t you saving more, you are still so thin, why don’t you call, marriage, visiting aunties and uncles etc will make me wish I had planned a shorter holiday.
My job
This year at the time I get my annual hike, phrases like cost cutting, recession, credit crisis will translate into a lousy hike.
My country
This year I know that yet again terrorism, vote-bank politics and financial fiascos will dominate everything else and make me less proud of my country.
My friends
This year I will lose touch with a few more friends as different strings will pull them away from me.
That I look forward to are ….
My birthday
This year like any other I become a year older clocking in at 27 and I am guiltily thankful for that after a year when terrorists visited almost every part of the country.
My family
This year, when I holiday at home, the rheotoric of why aren’t you saving more, you are still so thin, why don’t you call, marriage, visiting aunties and uncles etc will tell me that no matter what, they will always care.
My job
This year at the time I get my annual hike, phrases like cost cutting, recession, credit crisis will translate into lucky to still have a job.
My country
This year I know that despite terrorism, vote-bank politics and financial fiascos the ‘aam aadmis’ voice is growing louder as people rally under the tricolor.
My friends
This year despite losing touch with a few more friends as different strings will pull them away from me, some of them keep in touch via this blog.
Mumbai Meri Jaan
It took close to 60 hours to wrest Bombay back from terror. But it took barely 5 hours after that to circulate this SMS …
“The tragic events in Mumbai remind us how precious life is. We r with u always. SMS FG to 567678 for Total Insurance Solutions or claims if any. Future Generali”
Is it me or is it actually perverted that people take advantage of a tragedy of this scale to market themselves? In the first place, I find a total lack of professionalism to use SMS lingo in such corporate marketing, ala “We r with u always.”
I’m sure many of you have been bombarded with similar pitches for a virtual garage sale. For all I know, bullet proof vests, guns (machine or otherwise), grenades, will be hawked side-by-side with all sorts of insurances – life, property, hospital, general etc.
Somebody will make a video game; while someone will sell debris from the site online as mementos. Toy companies will make commando figurines and cellphone operators will make a killing from disgusting forwarded messages.
Facebook and Orkut will create patriotic/sympathy groups and bloggers will add their two-pence worth views. Some photographer will peddle his photos, while the media will do just about anything to get their TRPs.
Speaking of the media, it is amazing how they gain access to places where seemingly even the NSG and the marines can’t go. To get their ‘breaking news,’ they will broadcast any rumor that is doing the rounds. For a soundbite, they will shove their mikes into the faces of anyone who looks remotely, pardon the expression, terrorized.
And how can I forget … I am waiting for the beloved leaders of our country to shamelessly bellow their take on the horror. One party will fall all over itself blaming the other, while one will cry itself hoarse that this is a time for national unity.
National unity my a**. Those goddamn terrorists are more united than us, more fearless than us, more devoted to a cause than us. I give them that much.
Let’s take a leaf out of their book and learn from them the values of honesty, loyalty and sacrifice and use it for a better reason.
“The tragic events in Mumbai remind us how precious life is. We r with u always. SMS FG to 567678 for Total Insurance Solutions or claims if any. Future Generali”
Is it me or is it actually perverted that people take advantage of a tragedy of this scale to market themselves? In the first place, I find a total lack of professionalism to use SMS lingo in such corporate marketing, ala “We r with u always.”
I’m sure many of you have been bombarded with similar pitches for a virtual garage sale. For all I know, bullet proof vests, guns (machine or otherwise), grenades, will be hawked side-by-side with all sorts of insurances – life, property, hospital, general etc.
Somebody will make a video game; while someone will sell debris from the site online as mementos. Toy companies will make commando figurines and cellphone operators will make a killing from disgusting forwarded messages.
Facebook and Orkut will create patriotic/sympathy groups and bloggers will add their two-pence worth views. Some photographer will peddle his photos, while the media will do just about anything to get their TRPs.
Speaking of the media, it is amazing how they gain access to places where seemingly even the NSG and the marines can’t go. To get their ‘breaking news,’ they will broadcast any rumor that is doing the rounds. For a soundbite, they will shove their mikes into the faces of anyone who looks remotely, pardon the expression, terrorized.
And how can I forget … I am waiting for the beloved leaders of our country to shamelessly bellow their take on the horror. One party will fall all over itself blaming the other, while one will cry itself hoarse that this is a time for national unity.
National unity my a**. Those goddamn terrorists are more united than us, more fearless than us, more devoted to a cause than us. I give them that much.
Let’s take a leaf out of their book and learn from them the values of honesty, loyalty and sacrifice and use it for a better reason.
Saar Credit Card Saar
Some of the smartest answers I have seen people dealing with unsolicited calls for ‘sir free credit card sir,’ ‘sir, personal loan sir,’ ‘exclusive offer for only you sir,’ and other such calls:
Phone rings. Sir, xxx bank is offering personal loan upto xxx on unbelievable terms. Ok I am interested. Can you give me the details. Yada yada yada yada. Fine I also want to know about payments. Blah blah blah blah. Ok, ill take it. Smart choice sir, if you will help me with a few details, what is your name and where do you work? Oh, I thought you knew. I am unemployed and that is why I needed the loan. That person to date has not got a call from the bank again.
Phone rings. Female voice offers life-time free credit card with lowest interest rate in market, friendliest repayment options, exclusive discounts/offers on using the card. Great, that is exactly what I need. Thank you sir, if you can give me some personal details. Actually this is my office phone and I cant use it long, so can you come over to my place tonight at about 9 pm to complete the affair? No further calls.
Phone rings. Sir, I have a exclusive offer for limited period on a car/house/personal loan and if you take it now you will benefit by yada yada blah blah . Really, what luck I needed a loan desperately and which bank are you calling from? Sir, from xxx bank. You should have told me earlier, the state general manager is a chaddi buddy of mine yaar and how come he never told me about this, I’ll call and ask … hello? Hello?
Phone rings. Sir, we have an offer for a lifetime free…. Excuse me, but which bank are you calling from? Oh sorry sir, I am calling from xxx bank. Oh ok, and what did you say your name was? Sir, this is xxx. Ok, xxx thanks for the details and you and your bank can expect a call from TRAI authorities soon for an explanation on why you called me when my number is on the do-not-disturb list.
Till date, no further calls...
Phone rings. Sir, xxx bank is offering personal loan upto xxx on unbelievable terms. Ok I am interested. Can you give me the details. Yada yada yada yada. Fine I also want to know about payments. Blah blah blah blah. Ok, ill take it. Smart choice sir, if you will help me with a few details, what is your name and where do you work? Oh, I thought you knew. I am unemployed and that is why I needed the loan. That person to date has not got a call from the bank again.
Phone rings. Female voice offers life-time free credit card with lowest interest rate in market, friendliest repayment options, exclusive discounts/offers on using the card. Great, that is exactly what I need. Thank you sir, if you can give me some personal details. Actually this is my office phone and I cant use it long, so can you come over to my place tonight at about 9 pm to complete the affair? No further calls.
Phone rings. Sir, I have a exclusive offer for limited period on a car/house/personal loan and if you take it now you will benefit by yada yada blah blah . Really, what luck I needed a loan desperately and which bank are you calling from? Sir, from xxx bank. You should have told me earlier, the state general manager is a chaddi buddy of mine yaar and how come he never told me about this, I’ll call and ask … hello? Hello?
Phone rings. Sir, we have an offer for a lifetime free…. Excuse me, but which bank are you calling from? Oh sorry sir, I am calling from xxx bank. Oh ok, and what did you say your name was? Sir, this is xxx. Ok, xxx thanks for the details and you and your bank can expect a call from TRAI authorities soon for an explanation on why you called me when my number is on the do-not-disturb list.
Till date, no further calls...
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